It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Mornin. * use accordingly
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time