Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
You Might Also Like
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Pot warmers of the day.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD