Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
scared to check what name she chose
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?