I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
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A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.