Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin