King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
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A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.