I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
God has abandoned us.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Terribly Tuesday.