“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.