I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
You Might Also Like
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*