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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!