Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You had me at “define legal”.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home