Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
wow
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires