*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
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hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Yep.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
🙄😏😂🤣
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO