How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Squirrels before girls.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”