A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
That’s enough internet for the day
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: