[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
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Worst perfume name ever.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
uh oh
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do