The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My kitchen overserved me.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats