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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
no!! no!!!!!!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.