I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.