Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
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10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.