thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
consequences, the bane of my existence
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.