Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Whisper out to librarians!
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.