Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Monday?
No. Next question.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.