Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP