[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.