If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
You Might Also Like
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house