Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
X-tra spooky blend
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait