I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.