The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
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The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it