Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Every photo I’m tagged in