me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself