Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I feel seen.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
congratulations to them
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.