torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town