*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
You Might Also Like
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40