Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.