It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
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[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Who called it baking and not making love
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
A choir of Spring onions
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.