11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Acronyms got me like WTF?