Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.