I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly