*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?