ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i would wish you the best but i am the best
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
no
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl