The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.