ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.