my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
You Might Also Like
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now