[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.