My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
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wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions