Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Swedish for common sense.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?