Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.