Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
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“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
they really do be looking like this
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload