who wore it better?
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Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
#Caturday
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.